Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.

It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!

wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]

I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.

Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.

Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.

can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”

’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.

i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.

It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”

THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.

*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*

*Downloads five apps*

That should do it for today.

Shows used to take a quick break for the summer and be back with 22 more episodes but I’m not even kidding when I say I’ve had an entire pregnancy, birthed a child, she has learned to walk and talk in the time it has taken for Severence to not even come out with a season 2 yet

That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years

her: wanna come over

me: can’t I’m at an office party

her: ur self-employed

me: and having a great time

Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?

The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.

nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay

A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.

turtleneck: oooh cozy

mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY

Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.

[police chasing man on foot]

Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!

Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.

Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.

i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot

You want my advice? Okay, I’ll give you advice. Never, ever, EVER startle a skunk.

(I was sprayed by a skunk last night.)

(And THEN my son was sprayed while helping ME after I was sprayed.)

(It was like a children’s book gone horribly wrong.)

Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.

German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s

My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”

Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.

[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.

“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”

OH COME ON

Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs

Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.