Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.

All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.

If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.

Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.

The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.

I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.

If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”

It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out

I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.

Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’

Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.

My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes

Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.

God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”

“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”

GUY: how’s it going?

ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron

You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.

Me: *walks into a door frame*
Husband: Can you do that again? My camera wasn’t on.

People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch

ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something

[Later on date]

ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?

Me when I see someone that knows me in public..

[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”

In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.

Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???

My new monthly budget

Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500

Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.

Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*

We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.

ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.

“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”

I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.