Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
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Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.