Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.

My kids were arguing whether milk or water is better so I chimed in that actually conditioner is better because it makes the hair silky and smooth. Zero laughs. My best jokes are wasted on these guys.

My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.

[therapy]

WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter

ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny

Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?

Wife: Well latel-

Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-

Attorney: Ok, got it

Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.

After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.

Thou shalt not commit adulthood

me: it’s okay in my book

5: what book? can I see the book?

me: it’s hypothetical

5: what’s hypothetical mean?

me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…

ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…

When a food fight breaks out during Thanksgiving dinner, creamed corn casserole finally reaches its full potential.

Just crossed the border into Germany and the border police asked “Where did you come from? Where did you go?”

AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA OF MY SELF-RESTRAINT 🤣

if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them

People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…

Was it jail? I bet it was jail.

Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!

Everyone buries their problems in different ways.

I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.

On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…

2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.

“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”

I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.

every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.

Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”

I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?

Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice

Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.

Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:

Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer

LEGO Chewables

Nicotine Patch Dolls

Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House

I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.

Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”

My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.

the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls

🤣