Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*quietly adjusts thermostat*

my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?

[INTERVIEW]

HR: What are your strengths?

Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*

HR: Wow-Weaknesses?

Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*

You: My kid loves piano

My kid: *licking the piano keys*

Me: Same

Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”

When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.

Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.

I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.

this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray

Detective: Don’t leave town.

Me, thinking about gas money: Ok

If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.

Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.

*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.

I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks

Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted

I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.

[Dracula bites a pig]

Me: 😮 hampire

Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?

God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.

Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.

Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”

Me: Yeah boyee

Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.

I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter

I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )

Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.

P.S. Bring a spider.

Marriage: When dating goes too far.

what’s really going on

“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”

Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”

Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”

it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”

me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]

the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful

me: it can be

The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.

The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.

[at the club]

Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots

Her: Just take them off