Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonka

what scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka

*Me getting pulled over*

Me:license and registration please?

Guy police officer :I pulled u over..

Me:do u really want to argue with me?

I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.

Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag

Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.

Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.

“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds

mood

Instead of the USPS they should have the PSPS where trucks would just drive around and put cats in your mailbox.

I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business

[helping son with math]

Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow

Saw two dads share a dad joke out in the wild.
At a grocery store, two guys exchanging a cart. The guy taking the cart said “did ya put some gas in it?” And the other guy patted the cart and said “yep, filled ‘er up for ya” and they had a good little chuckle together

If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.

I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.

I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.

It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.

[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?

Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake

I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead

*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*

Now love me.

**POOF**

*my left eyebrow falls off*

I am never leaving this website

wife: how did the poetry slam go?

me: *taping my glasses back together * better

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.

I threw away garbage.

In the garbage can.

The day after garbage day.

My husband is horrified with me.

My plans: 2020:

Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..

fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss

I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.