say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
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One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Monday?
No. Next question.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog