say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
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“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?