Saying “3 twins” is wild.
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After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
One time in summer camp I asked the rabbi if it was kosher to eat ham flavored chips if they didn’t actually have any ham in the ingredients and that’s the kind of question that takes up 80% of the Talmud and it ends with two elderly throwing hands over it
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
This 4th of July, please remember…
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
“OMGJK” -atheists
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands