Saying “3 twins” is wild.
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She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.