Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?

Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please

[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]

“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”

[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows

My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”

*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants

I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.

Breaking news:

Managing expectations

if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight

My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.

You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.

Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.

Ooh I do like a good funnel

Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.

[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.

Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.

I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!

No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.

*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?

Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.

Welcome to your 40s.

If you don’t have a back pain, one will be assigned to you.

it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due

Speak now or ever hold your peace

Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’

Him: This fish is too fishy.

Me: How’s your water? Too wet?

Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.

Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*

Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!

I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter

I call it my Reese’s Thesis

Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*

Genius idea!!