Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.

ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No

I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.

I can never eat just one Christmas ornament

If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die

I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog

To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.

“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”

“That’s a smart car.”

[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”

i drive home so quick after work like i’m late for the house

What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.

I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”

I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.

Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.

Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.

For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.

[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?

I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.

As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.

I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you

The Conjuring 3:

Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.

The kids torment them back.

They’re better at it.

The spirits flee.

The Friday File.

You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.

Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.

I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…

Now I have kenny logins.

#dangerzone

Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.

If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.

Why didn’t I go pee earlier.

– My tombstone

When you try jalapeños for the first time

Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.

Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.