Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
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I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
As a doctor, I can confirm
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.