@Paxochka

Saying “bukkake” when people sneeze is the new “gezundheit”, honest.

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@treywafer

On behalf of black people, I’d like to apologize for Nicki Minaj

@chrisdowning

That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.

@lovemydogduck

I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..

@CoopFogg

When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.

And they do.

And I am.

@juliussharpe

Meet your girlfriend’s brother then realize you’re screwing the female version of a guy.

@daemonic3

SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two

TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!

BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??

@curlycomedy

The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.

@TomSchally

Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?

@ChipKellysBalls

If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall