Saying ‘Do you want to kiss me as much as I want to kiss you?’ only works in the movies and not with strangers at Sports Authority

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Fiber Monday is a great idea…
but is once a year often enough ?

Oh….it’s Cyber Monday ?

Never mind.


since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin


if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it


“911 wats ur emergency”
hi– huh? um– so, uh– ah. oh geez. well im only just now realizimg that the girl at the bar gave me a fake number


Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”


welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice


[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey


I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar


Him: “I killed the spider for you. He suffered.”

Me: ( slowly turns around in swivel chair) “Splendid.”


Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church