Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
You Might Also Like
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.