Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster

Not with that attitude

Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*

I bet

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.

even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’

Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?

*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*

The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose

First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?

“Don’t shoot your gun at the hurricane” the government says. I’ll do my own research thanks

Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?

7-year-old: Donuts.

There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.

I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.

dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy

love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime

*herpes

It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.

LOOOOOOL

All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.

Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.

My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.

“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)

S/o to @funTweeters .

Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u

Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.

He seems to be following some sort of pattern.

I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.

Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal

You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.

What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?

*works out for 75 mins

*eats an entire batch of cookie dough