Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guy- What’s your sign?

Me- Stop

“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”

“It’s my carrion.”

ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.

ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*

After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.

If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.

I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*

Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.

The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.

Why is no one talking about this?

Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.

It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.

I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever

The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.

water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean

water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani

At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist

Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.

ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication

Welcome

Been escorted out of the building of Global IT for unplugging something so I could plug in my George Foreman grill

Communication during co-parenting is essential.

My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.

Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.

OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]

A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.

One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.

If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon

I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one

COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately

WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!

ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.

The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.

***TRAVEL NEWS***

A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.

See that girl.

Watch that scene.

Diggin’ the Danson cream.