Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Saying “excape “makes me wanna stab you in the “exophagus”.
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Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
Someone just snap chatted me this lmao
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!