Saying “excape “makes me wanna stab you in the “exophagus”.

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her: what r u doing?

me: taking a photo of a glass of tap water on snapchat & see if they have-

her: oh god

me:-a water filter.


therapist: you keep hearing cartoon rabbits?
me: yeah, i think it’s updoc
therapist: ehhhh what’s updoc?


Please, baseball fans. Enthrall me with complex details about a game where someone hits the ball with a stick and runs around in a circle.


Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.


Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.


Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)


Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up