Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
You Might Also Like
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?