@DumbConfessions

Saying “excape “makes me wanna stab you in the “exophagus”.

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@iamburtjarvis

her: what r u doing?

me: taking a photo of a glass of tap water on snapchat & see if they have-

her: oh god

me:-a water filter.

@sonictyrant

therapist: you keep hearing cartoon rabbits?
me: yeah, i think it’s updoc
therapist: ehhhh what’s updoc?
me: IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN

@abhorrent_wife

Please, baseball fans. Enthrall me with complex details about a game where someone hits the ball with a stick and runs around in a circle.

@KrazykurtKurt

Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.

@ninjadinosaur1

Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.

@PetrickSara

Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)

@RealSamHarwood

Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up