Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.

Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish

A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”

hacker: ready?

weapons guy: I was born ready

[25 years earlier]

doctor: it’s a boy!

midwife: where did he get nunchucks

My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.

A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.

I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.

Grandmother clock.

2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs

I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.

I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁

Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.

Him: I don’t know how to do that.

Me puzzled: when did you get here?

Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”

It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.

I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.

Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.

Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?

[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine

[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.

We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair

Ryan Reynolds Said What?!

Do that thing I like.

Husband buys an extra pack of ibuprofen. Just in case we run out.

Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”

Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.

Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.

[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket

I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me

Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.

some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying

At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.