Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
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Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Airports should have tattoo parlors for those of us with long layovers and poor impulse control
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
At the International League of Assassins
Me: Do you guys have a summer internship or is it mostly “on the job” training?
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Before a wedding, we both thought the other had bought a present. It was 10pm, and we were in a pub, there wasn’t a lot I could do, until I noticed a lovely framed medieval map of Yorkshire on the wall, anyway fast forward 27 years, it still has pride of place in their hallway
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty dissapointed in them ever since though.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.