Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire

I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”

the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell

Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?

“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”

Me: *winks*

Him: *googles signs of a stroke*

When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.

Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-

Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-

Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.

I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.

Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.

It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want

I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.

Farmer: Here, take a gander.

Goose: No! My husband!

A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”

we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get together

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out

If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath

The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.

Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts

*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No

Science is fun!

#nottrue

My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.

if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.

Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?

FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.

Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.

The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.

Oh.
You have a boyfriend

But…
can he do this…

( flexes flab )

Botany good plants lately?

You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought

I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.

“You’re right, Harold. That is a nasty eye wound”. – William the Concurrer.