Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my first day as a raccoon

I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso

Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.

what if cobwebs were delicious?

– cotton candy inventor

This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.

Must be doing something wrong.

11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?

Nobody:

My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.

As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”

I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that

Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.

48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.

[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”

I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:

I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.

When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”

my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids

“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”

My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen

There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.

people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying

My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”

oh to be lowered into a toaster with you, my bread slice wife

A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.

The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.

Me: How many would be the equivalent?

Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-

Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?

Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet

I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top

Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.

I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.

I put my pants on like everyone else.

with hope they still fit.