saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
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“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Rich people don’t understand cereal
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.