Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]

If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.

I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.

#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes

We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.

The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.

[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree

Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…

So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.

I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.

What jugglers do best

1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle

I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.

what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.

my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)

I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.

*tosses another water balloon from my roof

I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.

the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts

I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway

PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.

current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?

Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.

Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*

Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.

And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”

If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water

My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”

movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else

DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers

If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.

Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%

Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.

Dude t-rex: 😑

My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.

We will be telling them tonight.