Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.

If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.

“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”

Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years

Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*

Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.

Amazon Tracking:

1. We’re not sure it exists.

2. Your package has arrived.

When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.

[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost

How did people charge their phones before electricity?

“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.

Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”

Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…

Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.

If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.

I just want to be as happy as these people singing about diabetes medication

First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with Friends

Him:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*

“this is the biggest toilet I’ve ever seen”

[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips

Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.

[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it

4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!

Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!

Like I’d ever share my wine with her.

That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family

Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.

Me: How was your first day of school?

5-year-old: Long.

Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.

5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?

On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.

Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.

The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.

dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough

[Masterchef]

Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish

Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef

Me: That’s the murder house on the street.

Friend: That’s your house.

Me: Yea