Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me looking for something to eat….
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Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
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Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
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*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*

“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos

honk shuah. sleep on that thang

I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?

The British Museum will take anything but jokes.

toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*

“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”

~Bamm Bamm

I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”

writer: it’s based on a book

movie producer: ok

writer: about a boy who lived

producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave

writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat

producer: wait

This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.

Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.

My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’

Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?

Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever

Wife: So yes then

(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread

Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.

The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault

They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.

chiropractor: so how’s your back been?

backstreet: alright

The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.

If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?

One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.

The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.

TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese

ME: Treese

HER: I hate you

Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.

Student: that’s impossible

Me: I assure you, it’s not

There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours

I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”

So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.

Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.

Hot Fuzz; Sea mine

Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.

[Job interview]

Employer: please explain the gap on your resume

Me: what…they were hiring