Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?

Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.

He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me

Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.

QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.

me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby

them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby

me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster

dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall

some random cat:

I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear

I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point

My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.

*has hiccups for 30 seconds*

MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT

How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!

“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.

… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”

me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years

If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.

I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.

-Herpes

Who could have predicted that allowing a a handful of billionaires to control the entire global communications system might turn out to be slightly problematic.

New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.

HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine

My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.

people keep asking my pregnant ass what my cravings are. when you ask me that question my craving becomes a gun and a double shot of whiskey

[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”

Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.

[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”

Haha no, he went to Disney World.

All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?

Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.

Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*

Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it

Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*

[grocery store, frozen aisle]

Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Clerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?

Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas

Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.

[later]

Me:

Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet

My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.

I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.