Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
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You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
😅🤣😂
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school