Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
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BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
When Hulk wrecks shit he’s “incredible.” When I do it I’m “causing a scene” and “need to leave this Arby’s immediately.”
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Perfect.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
inside you there are two whales, one is a whale, the other is also a whale, as mentioned previously
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
My wife got mad at me because I got fast food without asking her if she wanted anything, so she used her flat iron to turn my curly fries into regular fries.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem