Saying “Hmmmmmmmm” when my boss walks in so he knows I’m thinking about stuff
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*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
I’ve given up trying to remember to bring my bags to the store, now I roll my cart to the car and unload the items one at a time like the Pilgrims used to do
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.