Saying “Hmmmmmmmm” when my boss walks in so he knows I’m thinking about stuff
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[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
they’re just heading into the office early to ketchup on some paperwork
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
Maybe the Grinch would be nicer if someone wasn’t singing songs about what a piece of shit he is every 7 minutes
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
I gave my kids one last chance to stop playing with their whistle in the house.
But they blew it.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
