My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
You Might Also Like
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.