saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
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“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Me: It’s so good to have time off to write!
Neighbor: It’s chainsaw day, bitches!
Ugh.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
Pleading insanity in small claims court
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
My partner is the most pure of heart person alive lol
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.