saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
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[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Awesome parenting 😂
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked