Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[neighbourhood watch meeting]

john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.

suzy: omg who could it be?

lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.

ㅤ

How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?

[Central Park]

Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter

Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree

Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.

THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.

ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
　 O
　 　 　 O
　　 　　 o
　　　　　o
　　　　　 o
　　　　　o
　　　　 。
　　　 。
　　　.
　　　.
　　　 .
　　　　.
.

[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]

all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER

Mmmmm white people

– sharks

The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet

When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.

[blind date]

HER: I’m a ghost writer

ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?

DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor

ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on

if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married

Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?

Me: No it was just wings.

Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?

never compromise your values

Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.

If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.

My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.

What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?

I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit

I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.

Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?

Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts

I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.

Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday

the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else

ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?

2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!