Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
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I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
no way 😭
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
I enjoy a good short stor
I picked my nephew up from daycare today, Mind you, he’s biracial but looks like a white kid. They asked him if he knew who I was and why did this man look me dead in my face and say he didn’t know me…
Had them people ready to call the cops on me.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
imagine being one of those monkeys climbing a tree after living in a cage, bet it blew their little monkey minds
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
It’s almost like we’re living in a zoo if we charged the animals in the zoo for taxes, food, rent, and healthcare.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
