saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
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Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer