Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
We’re all getting idioter.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
This story is comedy gold 😂
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
Cardio Made Easy
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
