Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]

me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]

in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times

*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend

😂😂

Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.

If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard

Her: I’d really love some flowers.

Him: Orchids?

Her: No, just flowers.

cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer

me: were they favorable

Mob boss: fellas, restrain him

me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me

Mob boss: and gag him

You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.

I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.

Time for a new house.

Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.

Let a monkey out of the lab and he’ll have a nice day in the park.

Teach a monkey to escape the lab and 43 of the will populate the whole eastern seaboard.

And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.

When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.

I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.

Death: I’m coming for you.

Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.

Death: Lol, k.

Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.

Death: You’re not even that hot.

I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.

“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…

…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.

If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.

BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it

Forever 21… pounds overweight

I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭

[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]

me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉

If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.

My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them

NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.

[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀

[7:00:01am] wait no

[7:00:02am] hold o—

[7:00:03am] stop