Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the lightsaber at home tomorrow
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
hi why am I like this
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Mary: https://t.co/FBHSZQ2Ynu
— David W. Peters (@dvdpeters) December 15, 2024
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Not looking for a sugar daddy, but something more of a pay pal.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
