Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
You Might Also Like
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS