saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
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GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”