saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
You Might Also Like
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
Me *jumps from one existential crisis to another*: Parkour!
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Revenge served cold
Them: “two heads are better than one”
Me: “nah i’m good here, this one overthinks enough thanks”
When god closes a door my 10yr old opens 15 kitchen cupboards and walks away.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.