saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming

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My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:

A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or


Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die


MUGGER: *exasperated* Look dude. I’m NOT mad at you. I JUST want your money and your watch. That’s it. We’re totally okay, I promise.

ME: *wiping snot from my nose* …okay, do you promise you aren’t mad though


I’m not drunk enough for this

*gets drunk

I’m too drunk for this


Only attractive people that get laid all the time troll people on the internet. Everybody knows that.


Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.


My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken


Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.