saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
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Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Age is just a number that you keep off of Facebook after 35.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
Message from teachers: no clubs this week
Message from club coordinator: no clubs this week
Email AND text message from school: no clubs this week
School electronic sign: no clubs this week
Number of parents who asked if there were clubs this week: not zero
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
We’re all getting idioter.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
We just upgraded our iPhones so now I’ll be able to do the exact same things I did with my old phone but for an extra $23 a month.