Saying “my body is a temple” is for people with money. When you’re poor, your body is a car. Like no it’s not supposed to be making that noise.
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Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Everyone seems to be sharing this joke. Here it is from years ago in one of my old specials.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
mentally somewhere in italy
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.