Saying “my body is a temple” is for people with money. When you’re poor, your body is a car. Like no it’s not supposed to be making that noise.
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“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
oh you like nyc? name every rat
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
getting a divorce to pursue my true passion: collecting alimony
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this