Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
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Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
#TopTip
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
[getting up to speak at a funeral even though I didn’t know the person that well but I want to show off my new shirt] sometimes your mail man is more than just a mail man
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.