Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
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You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
People are always calling me “Einstein” so I know I’m super duper smart.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
Bruh 😂
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?