Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]

date offered me her hot tub and started cutting up carrots into it after i got in

am i cooked

Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow

don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s

me: [explaining the scene in bone tomahawk where they split a guy in half]
therapist: I doubt your mailman wants to do that to you

Grew big

You’re not my real can

Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?

greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital

Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.

Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*

I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul

Optometrist: please stop talking

{First Day at FedEx}

me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away

manager: wow you’re a natural

Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?

Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through

Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.

When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.

My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.

waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good

I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..

…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:

“This isn’t for me.”

All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.

this is supposed to be an 18 year old

My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.

You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this

Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”

Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”

I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.

My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.

My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.

“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen

I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere

Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.

I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th