Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Me: Can you bring me a burrito

Him: you want me to come over?

Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.

I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive

Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol

Husband: why do most guys have a foot fetish?
Me: because their first girlfriend was a sock

Coffee is cheaper than bail

Starbucks – You sure about that?

Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]

Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.

Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.

Sorry I was late I was frantically applying to other jobs

told my gf that i’m “really into getting itchy lately” and that i am “low key in my itchy era” but it turns out i was having an allergic reaction

I took a girl back to my flat.

“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.

“What gave it away?”

“The scissors, mainly.”

Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”

Her: Says who?

Me: Sesame

idk about engagement farming like why not just buy a ring at the store like normal ppl.

LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged

Wrong answers only

Answer: Marriage

“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”

– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said

We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet

If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.

I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.

In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.

~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.

In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.

I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.

Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.

Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.

“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.

*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good

If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.

“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.

My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”

i would wish you the best but i am the best

If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.