Saying “OPEN IMMEDIATELY” on mail is very threatening & that’s why I’ll never do it. Show me some respect.
You Might Also Like
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
If you think someone has put a hex on you, Venmo me $800 and I’ll get rid of it.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Nice try, poison.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Just realized that the baby is almost 20 years old so it’s probably time I stop saying I need to lose the baby weight.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
If you bought 1 Bitcoin ten years ago it would now be worth 1 Bitcoin
Let that sink in
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet