Saying “OPEN IMMEDIATELY” on mail is very threatening & that’s why I’ll never do it. Show me some respect.
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If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Someone put a scale in the office kitchenette with a sign up sheet for “new year new you” this is an act of terrorism and I will be engaging in hand to hand combat with them at noon today
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
you can’t prove that threatening a toilet doesn’t work
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.