Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed

GF: it’s ok lol

[middle of the night]

me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana

My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet

[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]

[me to the fridge] you had one job

[carrying too many items]

store clerk: would you like a basket

me: no thanks my arms are full

Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.

I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.

Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.

*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*

ugh, it tastes like the house

Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate

Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.

[eyeing a beautiful woman]

ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants

HER: they look terrible on you

Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished

Me: yes, I do!

Wife: do the laundry

The only problem I have with chocolate is that one minute it’s there and the next it’s not.

The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.

Nice romantic weekend with the husband.

Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.

Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.

Me: Ok goodnight

Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.

GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT

A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’

Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here

you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident

Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread

*interview for new roommate*

Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.

90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.

The average person eats 8 spiders a year

*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”

Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆

Not a bad book. Prose and cons.

*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away

When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.

I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.

Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo

Nothing.