Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me

Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir

Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.

[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.

Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves

There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.

Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.

“I totally didn’t say that.” – God

Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?

Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay home

Tomorrow: ok, the floor is lava

who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing

“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back

*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”

Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.

10 year old: What was it like?

Me: What was what like?

10: Being alive in the 1900’s?

Me: Go to your room.

If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.

7-year-old: I found a penny.

Me: Good job.

7: How many more do I need for college?

Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.

Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*

Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.

*returns to the present to find a world without children*

i guess his teacher was really pissed

when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint

The news

But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?

Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.

Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.

How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.

Person: My two year old is grumpier than usual. I think he’s having a growth spurt.

Me, at 33: I think I am too.