Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
You Might Also Like
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.