Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
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Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Well, shit
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
soft launching your call out the next day by telling everyone at work your stomach feels a little weird
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening