Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough

“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”

Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?

Me: *Sitting in traffic*

Cop: Get back in your car

55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters

I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…

I don’t even know where Kardashia is.

(geography’s not my strong suit)

*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*

Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!

Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.

Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?

Start of the article: but what if only three people read it

End of the article: at least only three people will read it

“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”

– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me

Pleading insanity in small claims court

JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?

ME: I did. It was good.

JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.

ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.

would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this

Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!

At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up

Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials

After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?

WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense

My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”

are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala

Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.

*watching Hoarders

Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.

Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.

My husband got rid of a big spider from the bedroom window using a pair of boxer shorts the other night. He waved them out of the window to shake the spider off. It was late at night and he wondered if this might be considered a sign for certain people.

Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.

Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?

Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam

me, flirting: did it hurt?

her: what

me: when you fell from the ugly tree and landed on your face

why is covid-19 trending does anyone know

I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing