Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.

You should always wear a helmet if you ride a motorcycle, bicycle or ski or talk about politics.

coworker: you should try my therapist.

me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.

WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft

*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus

File under excellent bookstore names.

Free on bail. Time to pay some meddling kids a visit.

I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.

I think I’m on to something here.

looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:

[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]

[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]

me: i don’t know what to order

waiter: the chef’s special?

me: I’m sure he is

The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding

My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.

Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]

My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16

Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.

ME: I thought only old people got that

DOCTOR:

ME:

DOCTOR:

ME: Oh…

Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”

What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear

the only bumper sticker ill allow

Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.

I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof

I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.

things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton

Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.

Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*

Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*

If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.

I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.

Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.

My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.

alcohol is actually a performance-enhancing drug. but you’re not gonna like the performance

[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!

Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped