Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles

Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.

how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.

I’m going to the gym now.

Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.

“I could eat.”

-me (right after I’ve eaten)

Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.

*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*

[texting]

ME: I like you, I think you’re cute

MY CRUSH: oh um

ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that

Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.

I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.

*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form

Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone

[holding hands]

Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all

No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”

Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.

I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.

I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.

WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!

Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.

[Walks up to stranger]

Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”

Him: “Sure.”

Me: “Great!”

[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]

I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.

You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.

You can’t have both.

I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…

February
20°
NW Ohio

In a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.

Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.

were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal

My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”

Me: “Why?”

Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”

[First Date]

Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?

Him: No. He’s very handsome too

Me: CHECK PLEASE

Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.

Him: Well, how’d you do that?

Me: I kept my mouth shut..