Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: Would you date yourself?

Me: No, I deserve better…

I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.

10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute

me: *laughs in dial-up*

Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.

a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup

Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet

The guy at the Christmas tree place was pretty aggressively trying to upsell me so I said ‘calm down Spruce Lee’ and oooh boy could that kid roundhouse kick

murderer: I’m going to bury you alive

me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me

Spam caller said “love you byeee” before hanging up.
Didn’t get a chance to say, “but wait, do you really mean that?”

*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*

I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE

A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.

Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.

Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.

[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows

Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.

I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.

one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process

Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.

I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”

Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.

Wife: Good morning handsome

Me: Hi

Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you

Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?

Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again

Me: There it is

Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?

I’m on a train and the driver just announced that he forgot to stop at St Albans and is very sorry to anyone that wanted to get off the train there, and that the next stop would be St Pancras. “That one’s entirely on me,” he added. 😬

Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated

I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem

There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.

I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?

[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops

Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*