Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
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Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
What do you hear?
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.