Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk

COP: Know why I stopped you?

MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?

COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken

This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?

I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.

When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.

Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?

Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.

Doctor: Describe your headache.

Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.

I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.

Barista: Latte for Waldo

Barista: Do we have a Waldo here

Barista: Where’s Waldo

Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that

Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise

ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.

“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”

BRAIN: Excellent.

Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?

Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.

They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle

I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind

Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…

But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”

Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..

8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK

8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?

Me: I just did 438 sit ups.

8: sounds legit.

I’ve taught her well.

On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.

@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3

Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.

Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar

Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones

Adam: are you naked?

Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig

“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”

And then?

“Cheese.”

Mmmm and then?

“You close the door from outside.”

We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.

Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?

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What an awful time to have common sense.