Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.
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my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Don’t judge a book by its cover, nor an establishment by its name. If I’m looking for a decent pizza, I go to Planet Fitness. If I’m looking for a fight, I go to Waffle House.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
APPLE TV+: Our latest show stars four Oscar winners and costs $75M per episode. We have done zero advertising for it and it has been viewed by approximately 47 people.
NETFLIX: We’re excited to announce a seventh season of our most watched show, Airport Bathroom Toilet Camera.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
i’m gonna allow it
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION