Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.
You Might Also Like
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
To see more unmatched reporting, visit
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”