Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.
You Might Also Like
we stayed at an air bnb with the most perfect pillows. a revelation. perfectly firm but soft. my neck stopped hurting. so I wrote down the brand and item number from the tag and looked it up and they’re the same pillows we have at home
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
gentlemen, hear me out
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney