Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[English class]

Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon

Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*

Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.

ugh fine

…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman

I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.

Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.

my therapist gave me her cell phone number.

and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.

All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.

Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector

Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM

Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever

Roses are red,
Daisies are free.

I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.

Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman

Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man

My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.

Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”

You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years

Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years

Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol

Me: come on what if we say it at the same time

Interviewer: ok deal

Me: ok, 3..2..1

In sync: making furniture for hamsters

My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year

Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea

The pen is writier than the sword.

At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.

@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”

I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.

I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am

The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.

Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski

“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”

As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭

I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.

first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats