Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick

Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?

Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.

Marriage: When dating goes too far.

How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.

Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.

Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.

Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE

I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.

Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter

Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is

Boss: …

Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?

[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!

seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!

gf:

seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!

Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.

Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body

Disciples: ooh

Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood

Disciples: ahh

Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me

Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins

(shaved my back and shoulders)

You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.

Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.

INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.

The sacred texts.

to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of

the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing

It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.

I quit my job to become an archeologist.

My career is in ruins.

I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.

do you know how lucky we are that skunks are generally reasonable

If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.

[at work during the pandemic]

BOSS: omg what the hell

ME: I’m wearing the damn mask

BOSS: why down there though

I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on

[McDonalds board meeting]

CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?

Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.

Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.