My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
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“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.