WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
saying “u should smile more”
-she wont like it
-will not make her smile
saying “lemme see ur mouth bones”
-she also will not like it probably
-nope she definitely wont
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Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
“Is it long enough to reach most people’s beds?”
“Perfect, make it a couple inches shorter.”
-Apple, creating the iPhone charger.