@randypaint

saying “u should smile more”

-boring
-she wont like it
-will not make her smile

saying “lemme see ur mouth bones”

-very fresh
-she also will not like it probably
-haha unless?
-nope she definitely wont

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@dubiousrhetoric

WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!

ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.

@Social_Mime

Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.

@ClichedOut

Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look

@abbycohenwl

[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it

@Staggfilms

ME: my mouth is all itchy

HER: were you in the attic again?

ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?

HER: I’ll speed dial poison control

@aotakeo

friend: i just had an edible

me: you can just say food

@KevinFarzad

“Is it long enough to reach most people’s beds?”

“Yes.”

“Perfect, make it a couple inches shorter.”

-Apple, creating the iPhone charger.