Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
You Might Also Like
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
9yo: Did you know that long, long ago. Like, really long ago, it took computers MINUTES to connect to the internet. Like actual MINUTES.
Me: Yeah… I knew that.
9yo: Of course you did because you like history.
Me: Go away now.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
This forever.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
I love when a chef refers to themself as “fearless.” Like, are those figs on that sandwich? Calm down, Napoleon
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”