Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.

Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?

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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi

Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.

ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral

I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes

Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up

Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?

Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.

Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming

Matrix: Renovations

Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”

I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!

reasons my cat is yowling:

-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen

Ugh

i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t

Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”

Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”

Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats

Not my sister’s dog looking like a 13yo girl who just got grounded for texting during class

Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.

The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild

how to have fun when you’re poor

just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude

I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.

#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …

This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself

Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.

my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger

[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*

Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called

the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles

Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.