Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
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her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
My two-year olds have reached the age where they can remember when I’ve told them that we’ll do something “later” and I don’t want to overstate it but I’m pretty sure this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Building contractors don’t want your help, Annie, even when you offer them your Altoids tin full of brads.