Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?

“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*

when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality

My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.

Welcome to the family, Alexa.

My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.

my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.

Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.

Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.

Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?

Me: just my cat

*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*

Mom: why are you using drugs???

Me at 7pm:
lol what’s this, a reality show about the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, I bet that’s so dumb

Me at 11pm:
IF KAYLEIGH-ANNE TIGHTENS UP THOSE JUMP-SPLITS SHE’S A SHOO-IN FOR 3RD GROUP LEADER

Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.

My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.

Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?

he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff

can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us

[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.

Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”

Me: “Literally just name one.”

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.

According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.

Got fired as a detective.

I have no clue why

What’s dopamine is dopayours.

Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather

Me:

Her:

Me: you study whether what?

Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.

The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.

*First and last date:

“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”

me: shoot for the moon

astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates

3yo (in his car seat): Mommy, I want you to cross you legs like a pretzel.
Me (driving): Can’t do that, honey.
3: Well, that’s just the way things are today.
Me: No, honey, I’m driving.
3: 🙄 MOMMY. I am doing it in the car. It is EASY!

This is every influencer giving “advice.”

That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.

*Me making playground small talk with other parents*

“Congrats on the sex bro”

“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”