Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

energy cannot be created nor destroyed

You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”

Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.

[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!

Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.

First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*

Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*

Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.

Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off

Co-pilot: what

You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.

My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.

Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill

Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.

The pasta is now

My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”

If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was

pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob

I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen

I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them

*listening to music at the beach*

6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?

Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.

6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.

Me: That is correct, yes.

My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow

“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille

I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove

[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib

Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.

Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?

Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means

Me: No, what?

H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9

Me: get out

Hello bedtime my old friend,
My brain is laughing once again.

Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it

Me: *slowly opens pizza box*

Alien: dude

I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’

Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!

Me: I don’t gossip.