Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
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It’s actually Dr. whatever
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.
Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
I’m a self-made hundredaire
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Meanwhile in Portland…
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
Jail
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.