Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
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All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.