Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Childbirth is so beautiful

WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?

ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!

It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER

My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.

Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”

Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”

Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?

Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.

Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.

Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot

Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.

I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.

Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.

you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type

God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.

Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.

when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”

Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything

Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?

DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor

ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on

mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon

when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy

My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.

Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.

My wife just looked over at me, dreamy look in her eyes, sighed deeply, and said ever so softly, “I love soup.”

cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life

As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.

*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*

[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly

If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.

Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.

I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras

Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*

Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe

My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.