Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.

Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.

You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac

Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.

I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.

My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.

Me: I wish I were a bird.

Husband: So you can fly?

Me: No. So I can sh*t on people.

Husband: “If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.”

*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.

I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’

good morning

Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”

Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.

Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!

To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.

[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!

Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: job interviews mostly

Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.

Me: ok

*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*

no one:
no one:
8: if there is a Hell, I’d like to take a tour

“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers

Ahh Monday.. Like the unpleasant realisation of an auto renewal that’s 3 X the original price

It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!

[NASA job interview]

Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!

Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.

Interviewer: Get out.

Ryan Reynolds Said What?!

I strut into Bass Pro Shops knowing full well I’m a Bass Amateur

Get Daft Punk to make a comeback for the finale then they fly up the Eiffel Tower and one of them takes their helmet off and it’s Celine Dion and the other one takes their helmet off and it’s also Celine Dion

Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.

A little discriminatory towards Jesus.

Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?

This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her

Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?

That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.

*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*